No Beauty in the Breakdown
by Miss Pookamonga
Summary: Who knew that with one kiss, she had bade goodbye to everything she knew to be true? One queen's downfall takes a dangerous turn. Post-PC.


_Dear Readers,_

_I've had this theory ever since I saw the PC movie for the first time. I never really thought the kiss was a token of Susan and Caspian's "love"...but that it was more of something pointing towards Su's downfall. Why else would there be the presence of the 'geeky boy' and Susan's reaction to him contrasted with her reaction to Caspian? The geeky boy didn't really serve a purpose to me...unless the 'Suspian' meant something in comparison...something more metaphorical. So this is my take on the kiss. The title is taken from Frou Frou's song, "Let Go". Hope you enjoy. If you have any questions, feel free to ask._

_Best regards from a Bookworm,_

_Miss Pookamonga ;-P_

* * *

"Su?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did you kiss him?"

The older girl looked up sharply from the sandwich she was eating to stare questioningly at her sister.

"What do you mean?"

Lucy furrowed her brow and directed her inquisitive gaze toward her sister. "Exactly what I said. Why _did_ you kiss him?"

Susan squirmed uncomfortably on the bench, avoiding glancing at her younger sister's persistent face. She had agreed to have lunch with Lucy every Friday so that the young girl wouldn't feel so lonely at St. Finbar's all the time, but she had never expected to be encountered with anything like this. Come to think of it, she hadn't really expected to return _there _in the first place…

"Well, what did it look like to you?" she shot back almost sarcastically. The second after she said it, she cringed inwardly at her tone. Since when had she been one to snap at Lucy, of all people?

Lucy seemed to be taken aback by the comment too, for she jerked away suddenly, her eyes darting away from Susan to the trees surrounding the school courtyard. "Sorry," she replied quietly. She paused for a second before mustering enough courage to look at Susan again. "But it wasn't as if you were madly in love with him."

Susan frowned, finally giving up on trying to finish her sandwich and turning to face her little sister. She was starting to feel an all-too familiar hobgoblin of impatience stirring within her, much like what she had felt when Lucy had kept on insisting that she had seen Him in the forest…even when no one else had.

"I didn't need to be madly in love with him to kiss him," she retorted, trying desperately to keep her anger in check.

The younger girl turned to fiddle absently with her fingers. "No…but…you didn't even know him that long." She looked up again, nervously.

Something in Susan's gut churned, stirring up the already bubbling impatience. "So? Does it matter?"

Lucy's expression suddenly changed, frightening Susan to her core. Why were her sister's eyes radiating such extreme hurt and betrayal? She hadn't said anything that bad, or anything blasphemous…had she? After all, it was just a tiny kiss. It hadn't been much; just a token of a simple experimental crush. He had been a handsome prince, after all. Who wouldn't have felt taken by him, who wouldn't have longed to give him passing glances and a goodbye kiss? Was it really that important?

"You were awfully rude to that boy on the train," Lucy suddenly muttered under her breath, looking away again.

At that, Susan's impatience suddenly burst, she herself knowing subconsciously that Lucy had hit the mark. "What has _that _got to do with anything?!" she suddenly cried indignantly.

Lucy's head whipped round to glare viciously into Susan's clouded eyes. "He was trying to be nice to you," she said dangerously, in a menacingly low voice that she only used when she was fiercely furious about something—which was rare.

Susan, thankfully, caught the hint of the change in Lucy's voice, and took a deep breath to calm herself down before speaking again. "I still don't see what that has to do with anything," she lied carefully.

Lucy glared even more fiercely back, startling Susan and sending all her locked-up secret thoughts into a whirlwind. "So, when you meet that boy you ignore him because he isn't exactly the best pick of the crop. But when you meet Caspian, you feel it's alright to flirt with him? And you had only just met both of them. Seems like an awfully unfair trade-off."

Susan stared at the ground and gulped. Something about Lucy's words and her voice suddenly sounded like the wise and Valiant queen of the Golden Age, and that struck a chord of fear within the once-Gentle sister. Memories of a gilded past, of a…_different_ Susan suddenly flooded her brain, and she fought desperately to repress them, although she didn't quite know why.

"Well, I fancied him. I didn't really fancy the other boy," she answered, trying to compose herself to look like a young woman rather than a girl fighting a losing battle within her. "It wouldn't have been proper to lead him on."

Lucy saw straight through the façade, as she was wont to do. Her face twisted in shock and…was that horror? Susan denied everything she saw.

"That doesn't mean you had to ignore him like that," the Valiant One whispered almost maliciously, in a voice that made Susan shudder. Something about that whisper now not only reminded her of her sister the Queen, but also of His Roar…and of His Voice…

But she shook it off and closed her ears to the Call.

"Lu, I don't think we should talk about this anymore," she blurted out, grabbing her sandwich as if she wanted to defend herself with it.

There was a terrifying silence which weighed down upon both of them, almost crushing Susan's already crumpled self.

Then…

"You've changed," Lucy suddenly whispered, but this time, her voice echoed a terrible sadness, and Susan could swear she heard Him crying.

"Impossible." The word slipped from her lips before she could even think, as if something terrible within her had willed it to be released.

Lucy stood up abruptly, grabbing the remainders of her lunch, her eyes filled with a burden of disappointment and anger. "You don't care anymore, do you? It's all a game to you, isn't it? People and their feelings, love and trust, being true to yourself…and to other people—"

"Lu!"

"Don't 'Lu' me!" the young girl suddenly cried loudly, causing Susan to jump. "Just because something about one person makes you think that he's more deserving of your attention and affection doesn't mean you should put the other person off!"

"Lu—"

But it was too late. Lucy had already begun to storm off.

Who knew that with one kiss, she had bade goodbye to everything she knew to be true?

Susan clenched her fists in anger. But beneath the anger was a fear, a fear stronger than any fear she had ever encountered. A fear of a Roar…a fear of a Power she knew was pushing at her, but that she was pulling against. And suddenly, for the first time in her life, the Roar was deafening.

Or perhaps it was her own roar of resistance, trying to drown out His.


End file.
